Saturday, February 6, 2010

Application Letter Critique - Draft 3

Here is the advertisement from NUS Career Centre

Company Lonza Biologics Tuas Pte Ltd
Job Title Internship - QA Intern (10 May - 30 Jul 10) with Lonza Biologics Tuas Pte Ltd
Location Singapore
Date Posted Monday, January 25, 2010
Closing Date Wednesday, March 31, 2010


Responsibilities

1. Review SOPS and forms
2. Review validation protocols and validation reports
3. Review logbooks
4. Data entry for computerised systems during implementation phase (e.g. training records for Learning Solutions)
5. Administer documents on Documentum System (DMS). Load and format og GMP documents for review and approval work flow
6. Update GMP training database (SAP) as needed


Remuneration (per month): S$800

Termination notice period: 2 weeks

Company url: www.lonza.com

Please submit your application and cover letter online.

Kindly attention your cover letter to:
Ms. Chua Peng Gek
Senior HR Generalist
35 Tuas South Ave 6
Singapore 637377


Requirements

Preferred faculty:
1. Faculty of Science: Pharmacy

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Goh Kian Leong

BLK 160 Tampines St.12
#07-109, Singapore 521160

Feburary 5, 2010

Ms. Chua Peng Gek
Senior HR Generalist
Lonza Biologics Tuas Pte Ltd
35 Tuas South Ave 6
Singapore 637377

Dear Ms Chua,

I wish to express my interest in the QA internship position at Lonza Biologics. It would be a great opportunity to acquire skills in reviewing scientific documents, a crucial aspect of producing top quality scientific products. My experiences in laboratory work and education in the life science are in congruence with the job requirements of a QA personnel.

Currently, I am in my second year at the National University of Singapore pursuing a bachelor’s degree in the life sciences. While in school, I participated in the Undergraduate Research Opportunities Program in Science (UROPS), gaining first-hand experience in independent scientific research work. During the course of the project, I collaborated with a PhD student to search for appropriate scientific protocols and validate their applicability in the project’s focus. I believe the experiences I acquired would be applicable in the internship's focus of document reviews.

More importantly, participating in UROPS allowed me to develop strong work ethics and an openness to constructive criticisms, both of which I identify to be important traits in ensuring the quality of production methods. I hope that these traits will add value to your organization.

Besides my experiences in the university, I underwent a two years' stint in the armed forces, spending one year in the Armor Gunnery Tactics Simulator(AGTS). While in AGTS, I was tasked to review and implement various training methodologies and standard operating procedures(SOPs) for army personnels. The experiences gained taught me the importance of critically analyzing documents to ensure safety and maximize the effectiveness of its intended use.

I hope that through this internship I will be able to add value to your company, while learning first-hand the responsibilities of a QA personnel. Your organization has an excellent reputation for high quality scientific products, and I believe with my lab experience, strong work ethics and openness to constructive feedbacks I will be an asset to Lonza Biologics.

I am available via phone at 88888888 or by e-mail at kianleong@nus.edu.sg. Feel free to contact me if you have further enquiries.

Best Regards,
(Signature)

Goh Kian Leong

6 comments:

  1. Dear Kian Leong,

    I like the way you started by addressing the reader personally instead of using the generic “Dear Sir/Madam”. It adds a personal touch to the letter.

    You may wish to take note when using “had”. For example, “while in school, I had participated”. Had is redundant in this case. There are several other instances that this occurred, and I feel that it is best to remove them. Also “I would hope that” should be changed to I hope that.

    In my opinion, I would feel that it is unwise to state “mutually advantageous” explicitly. It is a rather presumptuous remark. It would be better to imply it. I hope that these comments have been helpful!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hello Zhi Sheng,

    Thank you for pointing out my redundant use of the words! I am more aware of this matter now.

    I agree that stating "mutually advantageous" explicitly is presumptous. I had reservations initially when I typed those two words into the letter. I think it could have come across as over confidence in my case. For that I have to thank you again!

    I have read some sample letters online and many of them always seem to carry a form of confidence that closes in to "over confidence", which was why I wanted to know how you guys might react to the statement I made. I wonder if this entails some kind of cultural differences as well?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Dear Kian Leong,

    I think you have matched the position requirements well. I have a few thoughts that could possibly help -

    1) 'Currently I am in my second year' should be 'Currently, I am in my second year'

    2) 'While in school, I had participated' - doesn't sound entirely right. 'I participated' would possibly be better.

    3) 'invaluable' repeats itself. I would stay away from the word as it represents an exaggeration.

    4) 'through the course of UROPS,' - is probably not right.

    5) 'I would hope' would be better as 'I hope'

    6) 'Besides my experiences in the university' - would be better as 'Beside my experiences in university'

    7) 'I had undergone' - I underwent

    8) 'The experiences gained had taught' - The experiences gained taught me..

    9) 'I would hope to acquire the opportunity' - I hope to be able to add value..

    10) 'Your organization has an excellent reputation' - I would take it out as I'm not sure it adds value.

    11) 'constructive feedbacks' would be 'constructive feedback'

    12) 'I am open for more discussions at your earliest convenience. You can'. I am available via phone at ... or email at.... Please do feel free to contact me if you have further queries' would probably work better.

    Hope this helps!
    Cheers
    Rohan

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hi Kian Leong!

    I think you did a great job in elaborating on your experiences and linking your experiences to how you can contribute to the company.

    I hope you do not mind, but I would also like to make a few suggestions with regards to grammar. Please do correct me if I am wrong okay? :
    1. participated in the Undergraduate Research Opportunities in Science (UROPS) program, gaining invaluable experience in -> participated in the Undergraduate Research Opportunities in Science (UROPS) program and gained invaluable experience in

    2. to search for appropriate scientific protocols and validating their applicability -> to search for appropriate scientific protocols and validate their applicability in the project’s focus.

    3. taught me the importance in critical analysis of documents in -> taught me the importance of critically analyzing documents in

    Also, there are two errors that our classmates have pointed out which I do not quite agree. Perhaps Brad could give us some advice? :

    - the usage of “had” - Although Zhisheng and Rohan pointed out that you should not have used the word “had” in many of the sentences, I felt that you had used the word appropriately.

    - Rohan’s #6 point - I would agree with you that it should be “Besides the experiences...”, instead of “Beside”.

    Good luck on your job application! =)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hi Kian Leong,

    This is a well written and organized application letter. You had showed that you understand the requirements of the internship. You had also managed to substantiate relevant and strong experiences with those requirements. I especially like the last second paragraph, where you show how both you and the company can value add to each other. It is a learning point for me.

    I would like to offer a small suggestion. In your second paragraph, I think that if you use the phrase “During my course of study”, it will look more professional. What do you think?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi Kian Leong,

    Overall, I felt the application letter had sufficient details to support your ideas.

    However, when I compared with the responsibilities in the advertisement, I realize your application letter was not exactly complete. Perhaps you can describe more of your skills and qualities to show you are a suitable candidate.

    As for other errors, I guess other classmates have pointed out already.

    ReplyDelete